We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people’s epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.

Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.

1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home

The influence of both a male and female parent on a child’s development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child’s life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.

Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child’s emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.

Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child’s emotional and intellectual development.

2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents

Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase “for better or for worse” is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it’s a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.

However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child’s interests before their own.

Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.

3. To be a parent is a moral obligation – not a choice

There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child ‘I’m sorry, I don’t love you anymore, this simply isn’t going to work’. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child ‘it’s better for you in the long run’ but the truth is – it isn’t. A child’s perspective will be ‘you don’t love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work’ – even if only subconsciously. While some may say ‘I’m glad my parents split up – I couldn’t stand the shouting’, what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?

The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it’s one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?

4. A child deserves and expects it

During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness – that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child’s interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?

If a child doesn’t deserve a parent’s unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.

5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.

Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other’s needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that’s coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they ‘get’ out of the relationship, if they ain’t ‘getting’ then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.

When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.

Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child’s expectations of the parents are always right – even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child – they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents’ affections or lives up to their expectations.

6. A broken home results in a broken child

Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life – even years afterwards – than those from two-parent families.

While parents may argue that they split up for the child’s sake, in actuality, it’s rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.

7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage

Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.

If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents’ desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.

Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn’t be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn’t have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.

http://stayforyourchildren.com

Stephen Rees

Having worked at a difficult marriage for 20 years in order to bring up my two children my desire is to encourage and help other parents in a similar situation to do the same. My core belief on parenting is that a good parent can find ways of making a marriage work – even if not fulfilling – in order to provide their children with a stable, happy home in which to grow up.

The modern belief that leaving a bad marriage for the sake of the children has no evidential basis. In fact, studies on both sides of the Atlantic have shown that children who come from homes where both parents are present even if the marriage isn’t a good one, develop better emotionally and intellectually than those who come from broken homes. Parents who are considering divorce should take notice of this evidence if they truly want the best for their children.

My book “How To Be A Good Parent In A Bad Marriage” provides encouragement and support for parents who find themselves struggling to cope with the stresses and traumas of being a parent in an unhappy marriage, and shows how you can find happiness and fulfillment in life while being a great parent to your children.

http://stayforyourchildren.com

Parenting is the most difficult and most important job we ever do. Unfortunately, despite the degree of difficulty and importance of the work, no one teaches us how to do it. Fortunately, there are many child raising experts who can help. I will mention a few experts; whose work I believe is valuable, throughout this article and I encourage readers to find experts whose work they like.

• Parents must be healthy, physically and psychologically. When parents feel comfortable with who they are they are free to give their children true, deep, unconditional love. Parenting is not about the parents, no child has ever asked to be born. A child’s very existence is the responsibility of the parents, and it is the parent’s responsibility to raise their children using healthy parenting skills. Parents must be able to understand why children behave as they do and not take a child’s (from 1 day old to 18 years) behaviors personally. Jean Piaget made wonderful progress in the understanding of child development. A child’s behaviors are not about the parent, and it’s the parent’s responsibility to help children learn how to manage their thoughts, feelings and behaviors, so they can grow up to be healthy members of society. This takes tremendous self-awareness from parents. Self awareness leads to awareness and understanding of others.

• Unconditional love involves praising children as much and often as possible. This does not mean unrealistic praise, because children intuitively know when they have not earned praise. It does mean age appropriate praise. So, when an infant focuses on someone’s face and smiles at the person, praise is appropriate, because the infant is just beginning to learn how to interact. It is appropriate to praise babies when they take their first steps, because walking is a skill they need to learn. Praising a toddler for making scribbles on a piece of paper is appropriate, because the toddler is just learning how to do this. Victor Lowenfeld defined the stages of art development children go through. Praising toddlers for eating a few bites of healthy food, before they get a sweet is appropriate, because although babies crave sugar, it is important for them to learn how to eat healthy food. Praising a three-year-old for learning to use the potty is appropriate. The human brain is not fully formed until we are in our early 20s. Praising children, appropriately and according to their stage of growth, is important throughout childhood. This builds their self esteem and happier children reduce the stress of parenting.

• Playing with children is another way to give them unconditional love. The more you enjoy playing with your children the less stressful your job will be. Playing with your children is bonding with them, which parents and children need. Indeed, there is a book titled; “Play; How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul,” by Stuart Brown and Christopher Vaughn. One of the chapters is titled “Parenthood is Child’s play.” Doing some research about play with children will help you use approaches to playing with them that are age-appropriate. Learning about age-appropriate play is an investment in your relationship with your children which will help you feel less stressed. It is also important to play with children using a variety of areas of play so they may become well-rounded adults. If you like using art supplies, it is best to start using those supplies with children, early, during their formative years, because they will grow into enjoying that sort of activity. The same is true with physical activity. If that is something you want your children to learn to enjoy, the earlier you begin to teach them how to enjoy physical activity, the better. Play is not something that can be forced. If you want your children to enjoy swimming, don’t try to force them to do it. If they don’t seem to enjoy doing it now, but see that you enjoy doing it (by example) they may take it up later in life. Music is another area of play that can bring great pleasure to most people. However, if it is forced on children they might rebel against it and never get to enjoy it. Parenting is a balancing act!

• Sharing the responsibility of parenting with at least one other person should reduce the stress of parenting. Preferably, both parents are involved, and both are physically and psychologically healthy and mature. When two parents are involved it is important for them to discuss parenting techniques to learn what they can agree on, and where they disagree and need to negotiate. Children are brilliant at splitting parents, if they know their parents disagree about something. For instance, if one parent does not believe it is important for children to eat their vegetables before they get their desert, the children will do their best to get that parent to make decisions over the other parent. That can cause dissension between the parents, and an unhealthy, stressful situation is set up. When parents are in extreme disagreement with each other, about how to raise children, the stress in the family increases tremendously. Parents must learn how to work with one another.

• Rules, limits and boundaries are everywhere in society. Freedom is not free. To have some semblance of order in society, we need rules, limits and boundaries. Raising children without rules, limits or boundaries sets them up to fail in a society where rules, limits and boundaries are necessary and in use. Because it is against our laws to assault another person, children need to learn how to treat other’s with respect. It is imperative for parents to discuss with each other what rules, limits and boundaries they want to use. This can begin with parents writing out a list of what they value in life and what they want their children to value in life. Do you value sharing with others? Then you will want to teach your children how to share. Do you value the earth? You will want to teach your children how to live without polluting too much. Do you value kindness? You will want to teach your children how to be kind. These are just a few of the various areas that parents need to discuss and come to some sort of agreement about. Do you value independence? Then your children need to learn how to take care of their belongings and space, beginning in their toddler years. Putting toys away at the end of playtime is a valuable self care skill that toddlers can do and completing that helps them feel self confident.

• Learning positive discipline techniques is also important for parenting that reduces stress. Many good books about positive behavioral disciplining techniques have been written. My favorite technique is called “extinction.” During the formative years, extinction is done by ignoring behaviors you do not want to continue. Give a behavior that you don’t like, less attention, and it will eventually dissipate. This can be hard for many people, and I have had more luck with that technique than with any other. Another positive technique is to talk about the behavior that you don’t like, instead of the child. For instance, if a child is standing next to you, in the house and is bouncing a ball, it is preferable to say something like, “Bouncing balls is done outside” instead of “You are annoying me!” In the first statement, the parent is talking about the behavior and making a clear rule. In the second statement, the child is held responsible for the parent’s feeling. If parents try to make children responsible for their feelings, children will feel overburdened, defensive and become rebellious. Parents raise the level of stress in the home when they hold children responsible for their own feelings. Children cannot be made responsible for parent’s feelings. Parenting is not about the parents. Haim Ginott wrote about a variety of approaches in three books, “Between Parent and Child” “Between Teacher and Child” and “Between Parent and Teenager.” All three of these books have contributed greatly to positive parenting skills.

• The broken record technique is another positive assertive parenting skill. This involves calm, firm repetition of your boundary. Using the example from above, if the child resists the “balls are for bouncing outside” rule, the parent calmly, steadfastly repeats, “Balls are for bouncing outside,” over and over until the child complies. If a parent can remain calm and firm, the stress level does not have to go up. Parents can outlast children in sort of battle of wills, because parents are, hopefully, more mature.

• Never talk negatively about children to other’s in front of them. One way to understand why this rule is important is to imagine you are with two friends. One of your friends turns to the other one and begins to talk negatively about you, as if you were not there. How would you feel? We need to treat children the way we would like others to treat us. Talking negatively about children to other people in front of the children is shaming the children. If we need to discuss children’s difficult behaviors, we can do so in a different room. When we treat children as well as we would like to be treated, we teach them positive social skills. We can teach children how to use, “Please” and “Thank-you” as soon as they begin to learn how to talk. The most important way to teach children how to be polite is by doing the same for them. When a toddler gives you something, always say “thank you”. You are showing the child appreciation for the generous and thoughtful behavior of giving. If you treat that behavior as if the child is being giving and what they have given you is a gift, the child is learning how to be giving and how to say, “Thank-you.” It is always important for us to treat our children with the utmost of respect, that is how they learn they are worthy of respect and to treat others with respect. Talking about children negatively in front of them is disrespectful. Hitting children is disrespectful. When parents behave this way toward children, they are increasing the stress of parenting.

• Pick and choose your battles. This concept is important to understand. The more you fight against, or criticize your children (you are the leader of the parent/child relationship, so you have the power to decide whether or not to criticize/fight) the more stressful parenting is. Therefore, it makes sense to decide what behaviors are worth fighting to change, what behaviors are worth encouraging or discouraging, and what behaviors are worth leaving alone. When a parent stops to think about it, many behaviors can be left alone. Fortunately, the ability to do this connects with the positive, behavioral, extinguishing technique listed above. So, if you decide that a behavior is not worth the fight, and choose to leave it alone, it will probably diminish. Because it is important to encourage children to eat a healthy diet, get enough sleep, share with each other, learn how to resolve conflicts with each other, and go to school; these behaviors are probably worth fighting for. Smaller behaviors that can be left alone might include behaviors that the parent just finds annoying. If a parent finds the behavior annoying, he/she should try to cope with it, instead of criticizing the child. For instance, it is normal for children to make noises. When children make noises it is a sign that everything is okay. Another example; when a child rolls her eyes after being corrected. All human beings, including children, have a right to all their feelings. When a parent scolds or corrects a child, the child will have a feeling in response. It’s important to allow the child to have that feeling. That is especially true if the child follows the parent’s direction. If she followed the parent’s direction, the parent can allow the child to have her feelings and not take it personally. Pick and choose your battles. Relax and allow some things to slide.

• Be consistent and persistent. Children need structure. When children know that a parent is going to consistently follow a schedule and certain rules, they know what to expect next. This gives them the freedom to be creative within the structure created by the parent. They know what to expect, so they can relax and enjoy whatever they are doing. A persistent parent is able to stand by his or her rules firmly. A persistent parent does not allow herself to get frustrated if she has to tell children to do something 3, 5, 10, 20 or more times. This is when a parent can use the broken record technique. A persistent parent does not give in, unless there is a very good reason to do so. Children feel safer when they are with parents who are genuinely, calmly in charge. Parents who are consistent and persistent create a safe haven for their children. Parents who are in charge do not lose their temper or hit their children. When a parent loses his temper, he has raised the stress level for everyone. When a parent feels that angry and frustrated, he needs to take a time out for himself. Dr. Ross Greene is an expert who has developed many good approaches to problem solving with children.

The most important method for reducing the stress of parenting is through loving your children unconditionally. It is a child’s job to grow up and become independent. It is normal for children to resist doing what their parents ask. If parents can be calm, persistent and firm about their most important requests, most children will comply, eventually. Children, who are receiving unconditional love, do not want their parent’s disapproval. At the same time, they want to be independent. Parenting is a balancing act. The more a parent learns to understand children, the easier the job will be. Parents need to read as much as possible about child development.

Understanding children is easier with the help of experts. When parents know how normal children’s behaviors are, they can relax and accept the behaviors that bother them more easily, despite feeling frustrated by those behaviors. Parents can then take care of their own feelings and the stress of parenting is reduced. It is well worth any parent’s time to do some research to find experts they agree with. I believe that we have an inherent desire to be “good enough” parents. Most of us want be good parents and do as good a job, or better than the job our own parents did. That is a very healthy desire. It is well worth taking the time to learn more about it and to confront ourselves, when we are behaving out of feeling stressed, and change for the better.

Anne is a Board Certified Registered art therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor. Anne has been studying human development and relationships for over 45 years. She has been successfully working with families, in various capacities, for over 20 years. Her private practice is in the Mt. Airy section of Philadelphia PA. She specializes in helping people recover from various types of trauma, difficult changes and loss. Anne has an unusual ability to connect with children and adolescents, along with their parents. Parenting is the most important job we ever do, yet no one shows us how to do it or gives us the support we need. Anne has successfully coached many parents through a variety of critical stages in their children’s lives. Annes greatest joy is helping people understand themselves and each other.

http://www.annescreativetherapy.com

Discipline is a necessary part of parenting yet it makes most parents feel uncomfortable. Some of those old disciplinary phrases such as ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’, ‘teach them a lesson’ or ‘set children straight’ are enough to send shivers up the spine of any reasonable-minded parent.

Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline was based on the principle of severity and terms such as punishment, obedience and compliance were commonly used.

Corporal punishment was used in schools and smacking and variations of that theme were the general tools of trade used at home. Rewards and positive reinforcement for good behaviour were usually kept for the behaving children rather than used as a mechanism to encourage better behaviour in more difficult children.

The last few decades have seen some dramatic shifts in discipline that reflect very much the social changes that have occurred. In countries such as the United States, United Kingdom and Australia discipline has swung between a very child-centred approach where it seems parents forgot that they were the adults in the parent-child relationship through to the use of parent-focused techniques that place control firmly in the hands of parents. The use of praise and a reliance on reward systems to promote appropriate behaviour are the hallmarks of these child-centred approaches.

Despite the variety of approaches available parents commonly struggle to get discipline right. Recent Australian research shows that 58 per cent of parents struggle to find the appropriate approach to disciplining their children. Most want to use different discipline techniques than their parents yet exactly which approach to use is a dilemma. As the same cohort rated developing positive attachments and good relationships with their children as their highest priority I suspect many parents are concerned with being friends to their children and tend to avoid those sticky discipline issues. Evidence from other parts of the world suggests that Australians are not the only parents who struggle to find an appropriate approach to discipline.

While the type of discipline parents use should reflect the times in which they live it is also useful to look to children and their needs. While society has changed significantly over the last few decades children and their developmental needs haven’t altered much.

Children develop best in a stable environment where they are valued, loved and listened to. They prefer an orderly environment rather than a chaotic one. And they need someone in that environment who will help them learn to be safe and sociable. This is where discipline comes in.

Children in their first few years of life are hard work for any parent. This age group experience massive physical development that is not matched by the same rate of intellectual maturation. Children around the age of eighteen to thirty months are a little like international airports – massive amounts of activity but with relatively small control towers. They need parents who adopt a patient yet varied approach to discipline so that they learn to become sociable, stay safe and gradually take responsibility for their behaviour without having their spirit squashed.

Children in the 2-3 year age group present the most challenges to parents behaviourally, with the 11-14 year age group coming a close second. It is not surprising that these two ages present most difficulty to parents, as both are significant transitions stages with children in both age groups pushing their parents hard in the pursuit of greater independence.

Evidence suggests that parents of young children need to adopt a real-life approach to discipline that is heavy on teaching rather than the punitive stuff. My own work with families suggests that those parents who base their discipline on the twin principles of consistency and prevention have generally well-behaved kids and positive relationships as well.

The notion of consistency is the biggest challenge modern parents face. Dr. Sal Severe author of the recently published book for parents “How To Behave So Your Children Will Too” says, “Consistency is the most important element in a child’s relationship with their parents.” He is on the money. Children need parental consistency as it gives them a sense of security and control.

Consistency means parents dealing with the little misbehaviours and not letting them grow into bigger behaviours. It means parents following through and allowing children to experience a consequence when they misbehave. It also means that both parents in a dual parent relationship have a similar approach to behaviours. Children learn from a young age to play one parent off against each other when they standards differ.

But consistency is hard these days. Consistency, like routines, is often sacrificed by busy working parents and put in the ‘too hard basket’. When parents are tired, stretched and overworked the last thing they want to do is engage in a battle with children over what are sometimes petty issues. Besides consistency can make a well-meaning parent who values relationships feel downright awful.

But giving in rather than being consistent and holding ground is not a smart long-term strategy. Kids learn quickly how far they can push a parent before they give in. If you give in occasionally they will learn that if they push you hard enough and long enough you will cave in. So consistency is about being strong and holding your ground. That is hard work because Australian research reveals that the average garden-variety child will push parental boundaries about 30per cent of the time and more difficult kids push your boundaries twice that much.

But what can parents do when young children are less than perfect? Smacking is one alternative but not one recommended by this writer. Most current studies indicate that parents generally don’t view smacking as a suitable method of discipline for young children, however many reluctantly admit to reverting to this method on occasions. Smacking is generally ineffective in terms of reducing misbehaviour over the long-term. In some cases, it exacerbates aggressive behaviour in young children as they learn that it is okay to use physical means to resolve problems when you have the power to do so. The notion of ‘it is okay to smack if it is a little smack’ holds no water. It is either a smack or not. There is no middle ground.

So if smacking is out, what’s in? Timeout is a good alternative, but often misused. Timeout is effective if used to either break a young child’s pattern of behaviour or interrupt a deteriorating situation. A small amount of time spent in his or her room has saved many a child’s hide and his parents’ sanity as they both have time to calm down. Those parents who use time-out as a punishment or a deterrent usually end up frustrated when they enter their child’s room only to find him happily playing with toys. Timeout is a poor punishment but effective in helping to restore calm and giving children an opportunity to reflect.

Effective discipline with young children involves a refusal by adults to become involved in the behaviour games that they can play. Children don’t act in a vacuum. They will keep those behaviours that work in terms of getting attention or some other pay-off and drop those behaviours that are ignored. So when a young child receives a long-winded reprimand from his mother as he purposely wriggles while she changes his nappy he is learning a great way to keep her busy. Similarly, a child who continuously stands up and sits down while he is being bathed is working out how he can have some fun at his mother and father’s expense.

In both cases, it would be effective if the parent involved simply made the child safe and didn’t respond verbally to the situation. Children in those cases generally learn that their parents are not engaging in the game they are making so they will try other ways to get some attention. However, it takes some children a while to understand so parents need to persist with their approach. Kids can’t learn if we are giving them different signals – sometimes ignoring, sometimes laughing and sometimes punishing for the same behaviour.

The language a parent uses with young children can make a huge difference. Those parents who use the language of coercion and spend a great deal of time telling children what they want them to do will generally meet with a child who refuses to cooperate. Effective parents avoid over talking at the point of misbehaviour and don’t try to fight children on every battlefront.

Effective discipline of young children involves more than simply applying the right technique or strategy to match a situation. If it was that simple then dog owners would teach us a great deal about gaining cooperation from kids. “Be consistent, praise the good stuff; teach one behaviour at a time and growl at bad behaviour” is the appropriate approach for our four-legged friends. If we want perfectly obedient kids then we know the formula.

Therein lies the dilemma. We need to raise cooperative kids capable of making their own decisions, to be considerate of others and generally survive as adults. This takes time and considerable teaching and patience, not to mention the use of routines, good parental behaviour for children to copy and the opportunity for children to find a place through contribution rather than misbehaviour.

The idea of healthy relationships lies at the heart of effective discipline. Kids will only cooperate in the long term if they feel their parents are fair, care for them and have their best interests at heart. Parenting by remote control or from a distance just won’t cut it with many children.

The high priority parents place on healthy relationships with children is not compromised by the need to teach them appropriate, safe and socially acceptable behaviour. In fact, good discipline and a good parent-child relationship go hand-in-hand. Parents who don’t have a firm backbone generally find that their children show them little respect, which is a recipe for relationship disaster. Discipline maybe misunderstood these days but there is no mistake about its importance for children and parents.

Michael Grose is Australia’s leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.

For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.

Introduction

It is estimated that between 1% and 6% of the adult population has AD/HD. (Wender) Forty percent of children who have AD/HD have at least one parent who also meets the criteria for diagnosis. (Zeigler) AD/HD affects up to 7.5% of school-aged children, or between one to three students in every classroom. (Barbaresi, et al) For various reasons, AD/HD in adults often goes undiagnosed. Thus, these parents are trying to carry out adult responsibilities without the benefit of appropriate treatment for their own AD/HD. Undiagnosed AD/HD in parents affects the entire family. These adults typically exhibit emotional labiality and tend to have higher rates of depression, substance abuse disorders, and other co-morbidities.

Adults with AD/HD are less likely to graduate from college and even less likely to obtain advanced educational degrees. Like most adults with AD/HD, these parents face uncertain career prospects. Although they may be intelligent and enthusiastic workers, they often have difficulties keeping a job. (Pary) Social skills deficits are common among this population. AD/HD can interfere with the ability to establish and maintain close relationships and may contribute to an unstable home environment.

Parents of a child who has AD/HD are three times as likely to separate or divorce as parents of non-AD/HD children. (Barkley 1995) Simply put, the parent may not have the emotional tools needed to effectively support the special needs of the AD/HD child. Parents who do not have AD/HD report that these children are often far more challenging to parent than their non-AD/HD siblings. The adult with AD/HD faces the already formidable task of raising a difficult child while at the same time trying to cope as best they can with their own AD/HD. If the parents’ own AD/HD issues are not addressed, these adults can have tremendous difficulties fulfilling their roles as parents.

Evaluating the Parent

Parents may be unaware that they exhibit behaviors that would indicate the presence of AD/HD. Furthermore, AD/HD has been long considered a childhood disorder. It was not until the mid-1980′s that researchers began to acknowledge that AD/HD indeed lasted into adulthood. Parents may be under that mistaken belief that they outgrew their AD/HD while in fact it continues to affect their life.

When treating a child who has AD/HD, the physician should discuss with the parent the genetics of AD/HD and inquire if a parent might be struggling with symptoms too. Physicians (i.e. pediatricians) who are uncomfortable or unable to evaluate the adult should then refer parents to another health care provider for an AD/HD evaluation. Should the parent show resistance to the idea, the physician might discuss the difficulties of raising an AD/HD child if ones own AD/HD is not addressed and treated. One or both of the parents may indicate that they faced many of the same problems when they were a child. The parent may recall that school was difficult, although he or she had the intellectual capabilities to do well. There may be family stories of hyperactivity or behavioral problems during the parent’s childhood.

Mothers or fathers may see in the opposite sex parent many of the same behaviors now being exhibited by their child. Often is the case when one parent will turn to the other and say, “I know where it comes from. You’re the exact same way!” Physicians may want to ask about the behaviors of other family members as well, to better ascertain the possibility of undiagnosed AD/HD in the family. These kinds of questions can bring up a plethora of information pointing to the possibility that the parent, too, might have the disorder.

Research on AD/HD and behavioral disorders is fairly recent and may not have been attributed to AD/HD when the parent was a child. The astute physician will take a patient history by posing questions in terms of behavior and not necessarily in terms of any specific diagnosis. How does this affect the physician’s role in evaluating and treating their young patients? Treating the parent is an important part of improving the quality of life for the child. One can see that an impulsive, distracted parent might have problems remembering to give a youngster his/her medication. Adults with AD/HD tend to be disorganized and often have difficulty maintaining a home. These adults have trouble keeping appointments, getting the child ready and off to school in time, and performing other basic parenting duties.

How AD/HD Symptoms Compare in Adults and Children

The same symptoms that apply to children with AD/HD also apply to adults; however, the symptoms may be manifested in a number of ways. Diagnosis is further complicated by the overlap between the symptoms of adult ADHD and the symptoms of other common psychiatric conditions such as depression and substance abuse. (Searight)

The primary symptoms of AD/HD are inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity. The adult versions of these symptoms often have severe consequences. Inattentive children are reprimanded for daydreaming in class. Inattentive adults neglect their spouses, forget directions, and crash their automobiles. Impulsive children often make bad choices. Impulsive parents also make bad decisions.

Consequently, they may face huge credit card bills, marital strain and other negative consequences. Hyperactive children are always moving. Hyperactive adults may feel restless and are drawn to high-risk behaviors. Other behaviors that are common to children who have AD/HD are also seen in adults with the disorder. Children with AD/HD will procrastinate, turning in homework late, if at all. Their work is often sloppy.

Procrastination in adults results in paperwork and work-related projects being completed late or not at all. Bills go unpaid not because there is no money, but because the adult simply never gets around to mailing in the payment.

Other common symptoms include not living up to one’s potential, hypersensitivity to stimuli, emotional reactivity, and poor short term memory. Any one of these behaviors presents a problem for an adult. Taken as a group, they represent a potentially disabling condition.

Consider the following challenges:

1. How can the parent who procrastinates, help his AD/HD child learn strategies for getting homework and other school projects finished in a timely fashion?

2. How can the disorganized parent help his child learn organizing skills to keep materials and possessions tidy and at hand?

3. How can the hyperactive, restless parent find a way to emotionally connect with a child who may prefer quiet activities?

4. How can the daydreaming parent listen and be attentive to her child’s needs?

5. How can the overly emotional, short-fused parent stay calm when his child needs a steady, calm parent to help her self-regulate her own volatile unpredictable moods?

6. How does the hypersensitive parent handle the onslaught of activity and noise of a busy household? Untreated, the parent facing such challenges could easily become depressed, anxious, angry, or an explosive combination of all three, setting up a vicious cycle wrought with guilt and poor self-esteem. These parents often question why they can’t do a better job raising their child. Invariably, the child loses out too, because his or her emotional and sometimes physical needs are not being met.

Treatment for Adults

Adults with AD/HD respond well to treatment. Appropriate management of adult patients with AD/HD is multimodal and should include psychoeducation, counseling, supportive problem-directed therapy, behavioral intervention, coaching, and cognitive remediation. Couples or family therapy may be indicated to help the parent learn better parenting strategies for raising the AD/HD child. (Wender)

Stimulant medications are the first line of treatment for adults with AD/HD. Stimulant use among patients with a history of substance abuse should be closely monitored to ensure that no abuse occurs. Approximately 70% of adults who have been treated with stimulant medication show a reduction of symptoms. The antidepressant medication Bupropion has also been shown to be effective in treating adults with AD/HD. (Kuperman) Atomoxetine, a non-stimulant medication which is a highly selective inhibitor of the norepinephrine transporter, appears to be an efficacious treatment for adult AD/HD. Its lack of abuse potential may be an advantage for many patients. (Michelson)

Once effective treatment is in place, adults with AD/HD usually do quite well. Paired with the other interventions, medication can provide the parent with the tools he or she needs to improve the quality of life for the family.

Conclusion

Because AD/HD is a genetic disorder, screening the parent of the AD/HD patient is imperative as part of the overall medical/psychological management of the child. Appropriate and effective treatments are available to both child and parent and should be considered for both in order for families to live successful, healthy lives.

References:

Barbaresi, W., Katusic, S., Colligan, R., Pankratz, V., Weaver, A., Weber, K,. Mrazek, D., Jacobsen, S. “How Common Is Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder? Incidence in a Population-Based Birth Cohort in Rochester, Minnesota” Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, Vol. 156 No. 3, March 2002 Barkley, R. “International Consensus Statement on AD/HD” January 2002 Barkley, R. Taking charge of ADHD. NY: Guilford Press. 1995 Kuperman S, Perry PJ, Gaffney GR, Lund BC, Bever-Stille KA, Arndt S, Holman TL, Moser DJ, Paulsen JS. “Bupropion SR vs. methylphenidate vs. placebo for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults.” Annals of Clinical Psychiatry 2001 Sep; 13(3):129-34 Michelson D, Adler L, Spencer T, Reimherr FW, West SA, Allen AJ, Kelsey D, Wernicke J, Dietrich A, Milton D. “Atomoxetine in adults with ADHD: two randomized, placebo-controlled studies.” Biol Psychiatry 2003 Jan 15; 53(2):112-20 Pary R, Lewis S, Matuschka PR, Rudzinskiy P, Safi M, Lippmann S. “Attention deficit disorder in adults.” Annals of Clinical Psychiatry 2002 Jun; 14(2):105-11 Searight HR, Burke JM, Rottnek F., “Adult ADHD: evaluation and treatment in family medicine.” American Family Physician 2000 Nov 1; 62(9):2077-86, 2091-2 Wender PH, Wolf LE, Wasserstein J. Adults with ADHD. An overview. Annals of the New York Academy of Science 2001 Jun;931:1-16 Zeigler, Chris. Teaching Teens with ADD and ADHD, Dendy, November 2000 2003

Terry Matlen, MSW., ACSW, is a psychotherapist and consultant specializing in AD/HD in adults. She is the author of “Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD”, director of http://www.addconsults.com and http://myADDstore.com and serves on the board of directors of the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA).

A popular presenter at local and national conferences, Ms. Matlen has a passion for raising awareness of the special challenges for women with AD/HD and the unique issues parents face when both they and their children have AD/HD.

ABSTRACT

The importance of parental involvement as an accelerating and motivating factor in their children’s education is a worldwide-accepted fact. This research project provides an in depth explanation along with specific reasons, the importance of parents’ involvement in their children’s education. It also discusses the parenting techniques, their types and their consequences if neglected. It also describes the ways to measure the outcome of the positive parental involvement. Furthermore, it mentions the teachers involvement and the difficulties faced by the teachers in getting parents involved in their children’s (this is further supported by the examples of two teachers who with their deliberate efforts won the parents over to devote their maximum attention towards their children), single-parent involvement, children’s own efforts to improve their academic levels and joint home-school based interventions. A detailed analysis of the different main ideas is given, based on the findings from other research surveys and projects.

INTRODUCTION:

Parental involvement can be seen to fall into three types: 1) Behavioral, 2) Intellectual and 3) Personal. The research explores the effect of multi-dimensional participation of parents and the resulting progress of children in their studies when different parental resources were dedicated to them. Actively participating parents help their children in their academic development by going to schools and participating in open houses. By keenly observing the behavior of their children they can rightly judge the kind of behavior or the allocation of resources required by their children. Such caring parents can also motivate teachers to become more attentive towards a particular student, thus maintaining the cycle of parent-teacher involvement. Encourage Building up cognitive and perception abilities in a child is a major concern in the upbringing of the child. The way the parents involve their children in cognitive learning is by exposing them to different cognitively stimulating activities and materials such as books, electronic media and current events at home. This helps the child to practice all sorts of language comprehending skills at the school. The results show a remarkably positive behavior at the school and with peers.

Two parenting processes namely the Supportive Parenting (SP) and Harsh Parenting (HP) helped a lot in the research of parental involvement in their children’s education. By adjusting the levels of supportive parenting, different levels of successful outcomes were observed. Supportive parenting in even kindergarten students yielded positive results. Four measures of supportive parenting were used in the study, they were:

1. Proactive teaching.

2. Calm discussion in disciplinary encounters.

3. Warmth.

4. Interest and involvement in peer activities.

The assessments were conducted when children entered kindergarten and when they reached grade 6. There was a factor noted to hinder children’s development: family adversity. It was the result of a multipurpose negative process that included the risk of low socio-economic status, single-parenting and family stress. Child maladjustments were found to be more common in families with such adversities. No matter how much negative impacts were cast, SP was found to overcome the risks associated with family adversity. SP was strongly related to adjustment procedures in grade 6 children who had single parent family or experienced low socio-economic status (SES) in their early childhood.

In a way to socialize their children, parents adopted the techniques of calm discussion and proactive teaching. They helped lessen the behavioral problems by carrying long discussions with their children, cultivating in them a sense of respect, calmness and peace of mind. Mothers also participated actively in reducing the peer stress among their children. It is also a widely accepted fact that supportive parenting plays an important role in the children’s development of empathy, prosocial behavior and emotional competence. On the negative side, the absence of supportive parenting may be related to the development of internal problems such as anxiety and depression.

Lack of the necessary parental care and attention is the main factor for the subsequent rise in the percentage of juvenile delinquency (crime among children). The absence of parental instructions causes children to develop irreversible behavioral and emotional problems. They in order to seek attention, resort to crimes thinking that in this way they could fulfill their wishes. They may revert to uncontrolled violence if not kept an eye upon. Such criminal activities cannot be brought to a halt until their distressing symptoms of low self-esteem, depression, dysphonic mood, tension and worries, and other disturbances are relieved. And the importance of parents’ role in this regard cannot be over-emphasized.

In an effort to describe parental involvement, many researchers use a term “Transition”(Lombardi, Joan). “Transition” is used to describe the time period in which children move from home to school, from school to after school activities, from one activity to another within a pre-school, or from pre-school to kindergarten. The untiring endeavors of teachers in the phenomenon of transition cannot be ignored. They prepared the children and their parents to face the problems of adjusting to elementary school programs that had different psychology, teaching styles and structure than the programs offered at the kindergarten level. In the elementary level schools the teachers had to face serious challenges in motivating the parents to take interest in their children’s activities. The teachers adopted different methods to involve the parents in day-to-day classroom and home activities. They used to send notes, invitation of parent-teacher meetings, invitation of parental guidance sessions and training sessions, continuously directing the parent’s attention towards their children. Patricia Brown Clark suggests that it is very important to keep the line of communication between teachers and parents open, so that the parents can interact with the teachers and get up to date information of their children’s school activities. One way to involve parents is to schedule school events and arranging classroom activities such as volunteering for libraries, acting as classroom aides or efficiently organizing lunch breaks. The teachers also opt for making phone calls at the children’s houses to keep in touch with the parents and getting to know the extent to which they are contributing towards the welfare of their children. Apart from the above activities, the teachers also assign home activities for both the parents and their children so that the parents remain indulged in their children and the children get to study at home. However, it was a bad and disappointing experience for the teachers when many of the parents failed to respond as expected. Many of the parents were so overwhelmed with their official work that they could hardly take out some time for their beloved children.

Moreover, for some parents their schoolings were not positive and character-boosting experiences, therefore they preferred to keep a distance from their children’s school as well. This made it really difficult and at times impossible for teachers to bring the parental involvement to the desired level. Nevertheless, the activities of two teachers proved greatly fruitful in making parents involved in their children. They were Carlos Valdez, an art teacher and 8th grade class sponsor, and Mike Hogan, the school’s band director. They did it by involving parents in music festivals and other school ceremonies. They proved to be great examples for the future teachers to come.

If the children’s academic development programs are to prove successful they must share two characteristics:

1) Developmentally appropriate practice:

A child’s academic progress is clearly reflected by the appropriate practice he/she administers while in school life. During transitions from pre-school to kindergarten, a child if given the exact developmentally appropriate practice tends to learn a great deal of language and playing skills. He develops a keen interest in exploring his environments and interacting (without hesitation) with his adults.

2) Supportive services:

These include the assistance that the school provides to low-income family students. The services include health care, childcare and community care. This strengthens the relation between school and children and creates a sense of security and confidence among the children. They get to learn that their communities are a part of their school since the school’s supportive services strive to help community development.

It is commonly believed that children are good self-teachers. Their self-initiated strategies help improve their expression, creativity, intellectual capabilities and extra-curricular skills. This idea is proved by the documentation of young children’s work provided by Reggio Emilia :

“The Reggio Emilia educators highlight young children’s amazing capabilities and indicate that it is through the unity of thinking and feeling that young children can explore their world, represent their ideas, and communicate with others at their highest level.”(Edwards, Pope. C, Springate, Wright.K)

The climax rests in the fact that how the parents would know that their sincere involvements are really proving worthwhile for their children. The answer lies in the attitude of the children. The degree of parental involvement can be judged by a child’s attitude towards his school subjects, his academic desires and achievements. There is a direct relationship between academic achievements and the attitude towards school. Schunk in 1981 had the following idea of aspiration or academic desires:

“Level of aspiration is defined as one’s subjective probability that he or she will reach a certain level of education.”(Abu, H. & Maher, M)

As a result children who received adequate parental concern were found to be much more confident in their academic desires and achievements than those who could not get the right amount of parental concern.

The individual involvement of mothers and fathers also plays a vital role in the behavioral development of a child. Students from one-parent household were observed to show less positive attitude towards schools and studies as compared to students from two-parent households. One study aimed at investigating parental concern showed that despite mothers’ sincere endeavors, the role of fathers could not be ignored and both served as an important foundation for the future progress of the child. This can be proved from the following fact:

According to a recent report from the National Center for Educational Statistics (1997), compared to their counterparts, children with involved fathers are more likely to have participated in educational activities with their parents (e.g., to have visited a museum or a historical site with their parents in the past month), and are more likely to have access to multiple types of resources at home as well (as measured by the proportion of parents who belong to community or professional organizations, or regularly volunteer in the community). (Flouri, E. And Buchanan, A, Pg.142)

Also, the parental involvement has been discussed and implemented in terms of interventions or prevention programs, which are nothing but safety measures taken to assure healthy and perfect upbringing of the child. The study uses school-based and home-only intervention programs to find out the extent of intellectual capabilities found in children from different family backgrounds. The success of one school-based interventions can be proved from the following fact, which was a part of “Education Service Improvement Plan 2001-2005” of Edinburgh:

—-The Scottish Executive Discipline Task Force, which studied the causes of poor behavior among pupils in schools produced a report of ‘Better Behavior – Better Learning’ in June 2001. The report included 36 recommendations for action, which were then turned into an Action Plan in 2002. Many of these have implications for the Education Authority. (Craig Millar Instep Project)

References

Abu, H. & Maher, M. (2000). A structural model of attitudes towards school subjects, academic aspiration and achievement. Educational Psychology, 20, 75-84.

Angoff, W.H. (1988). The nature-nurture debate, aptitudes and group differences. American Psychologist, 43, 713-720

Berger, D. (2003). The Developing Person, Worth Publishers

Brown, P. C. (1989). Involving Parents in the Education of Their Children. ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education Urbana IL.

“Craig Millar Instep Project” [http://www.edinburgh.gov.uk/CEC/Recreation/Libraries/] Local_Organisations/local_Craigmillar_Instep_Project.html&

http://www.inspire.edin.org/pages/paperA.htm – context

DeKlyen, M., Speltz, M.L., & Greenberg, M.T. (1998).

Fathering and early onset conduct problems: Positive and negative parenting, father-son attachment, and the marital context. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 1, 3-21.

Edwards, Carolyn Pope; Springate, Kay Wright (1995), Encouraging Creativity in Early Childhood Classrooms, Eric Digest.

Flouri, E. & Buchanan, A. (2004). Early father’s and mothers involvement and child’s later educational outcomes. Department of Social Policy and Social Work, University of Oxford, UK, British Journal of Educational Psychology 74, 141-153

Fortier, M.S., Vallerand, R.J., & Guay, F. (1995). Academic motivation and school performance: Toward a structural model. Contemporary Educational Psychology, 20, 257-274.

Ganzach, Y. (2000). Parents’ education, cognitive ability, educational expectations and educational attainment: Interactive effects. British Journal of Educational Psychology, 70, 419-441.

Georgiou, S. (1999). Parental attributions as predictors of involvement and influences on child achievement. British Journal of Educational Psychology, 69, 409-429.

Grolnick, W.S., & Slowiaczek, M.L. (1994). Parents’ involvement in children’s schooling: A multidimensional conceptualization and motivational model. Child Development, 65, 237-252.

Halsey, P. (2004). Nurturing the Parent Involvement, Two middle Level Teachers Share their Secrets. Assistant Professor in the College of Education at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. Vol 77, No. 4, pages 135-137 WN: 04062038590002

Lombardi, Joan (1992), Beyond Transition: Ensuring Continuity in Early Childhood Services, Eric Digest.

Masse, L.C., & Tremblay, R.E. (1999). Kindergarten disruptive behavior, family adversity, gender and elementary school failure. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 23, 225-240.

Mulkey, L.M., Crain, R.L, & Harrington, A.J.C. (1992). One parent households and achievement: Economic and behavioral explanations of a small effect. Sociology & Education, 65, 48-65.

Pamela A. Halsey (2004) Nurturing the Parent Involvement, Two middle Level Teachers Share their Secrets. Assistant Professor in the College of Education at Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. Vol 77, No. 4, pages 135-137 WN: 04062038590002.

Pettit, G.S., Bates, J.E., & Dodge, K.A. (1997). Supportive parenting ecological context and children’s adjustment: A seven year longitudinal study. Child Development, 68, 908-923.

Ramey, C.T., Campbell, F.A, & Ramey, S.L, (1999). Early intervention: Successful pathways to improving intellectual development. Developmental Neuropsychology, 16, 385-392.

Shepard, J. & Carlson, J.S. (2003).

An Empirical Evaluation of School-Based Prevention Programs that Involve Parents. Oklahoma State University and, Michigan State University, copyright, Wiley Periodicals, Psychology in the Schools, Vol. 40 (6), pages 641-656

Updegraff, K.A., McHale, S.M., Crouter, A.C. (1996). Gender roles in marriage: What do they mean for girls’ and boys’ school achievement? Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 25, 73-88.

Yongman, M.W., Kindlon, D., & Earls, F. (1995). Father involvement and cognitive/behavioral outcomes of preterm infants. Journal of American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 34, 58-66.

Fawwad works as a staff writer for TermPapersCorner,Inc. Term Papers Corner Provide high quality custom term paper, custom essay and thesis writing service to students and professionals. We are currently having a writing competition visit Writing Contest 2005

Do you know your parenting style? It’s important to think about because the way you raise your child can affect his entire life, including his ability to have relationships with others. Basically, there are three schools of thought when it comes to raising children. In this article, I will explore all three and propose a fourth.

Your parenting style is usually determined by the way your parents raised you. Although this is a hard truth for some parents to swallow, if you’ve ever found yourself acting just like your parents, then you know that this is true. Unless you’ve taken the time to think about how you want to raise your kids and what you plan to do differently, then the method you’ll resort to is the one that was used on you.

Which parenting style best describes how you interact with your kids?

Authoritarian

Are you a parent who demands obedience? Do you forbid your children to question you? If so, you are an authoritarian parent.

With an authoritarian parenting style, there is no question about who’s in charge. The parent is the boss and demands respect from the child who is expected to obey without question. A child who disobeys is reprimanded, shamed or punished.

Drawbacks of authoritarian parenting:

• The parent’s relationship with the child is like master and slave. The child may be respectful of the parent, but primarily because he is afraid of him. Such a child usually perceives the parent as being cold and distant.
• A child who is coerced into good behavior may only act appropriately when adults are watching. Punishment doesn’t teach a child to be a moral human being–it teaches kids how to avoid getting caught.
• Parents who demand respect often do not treat their children respectfully. Such a child may grow up feeling bad about himself. Because his parents were not responsive to his needs, he may not be able to form healthy relationships with others.
• A child who is raised to be compliant may act robotically and be unable to think for himself.

Permissive

Do you let your kids run wild? Do you let your child make his own decisions and choose not to correct him when he is disrespectful or insensitive? If so, you are a permissive parent. This type of parenting is often a reaction by those who were raised by authoritarian parents and want their children to have a better childhood than they did. Unfortunately, like most knee-jerk reactions, this type of parenting is extreme.

Permissive parenting is a parenting style in which parents let their children do what they will. A permissive parent acts more like a peer, than an authority figure. Little is done to teach appropriate behaviors.

Drawbacks of permissive parenting:

• Since this child may have been over-indulged, he may grow up to be self-entitled.
• The child may not be sensitive to others’ feelings and may have difficulty forming relationships.
• The child may have problems in school.
• A child who has been encouraged to make decisions for himself that he has not developed the maturity to make, may feel confused, overwhelmed or paralyzed at the thought of taking action in the world.
• Like the child raised by an authoritarian parent, this child has not had a parent who acts in his best interest. As a result, he may feel that there is no one he can trust.

Authoritative

The final is the authoritative parenting style. (Today’s literature refers to this style as assertive-democratic.) This method recognizes that children need to learn to make their own decisions, but must be taught how to do so over time. Such a parent responds to the child’s needs but also teaches the child to be sensitive to the needs of others. Although authoritative parents have household rules which they expect their children to follow, they encourage questions and are willing to negotiate in some circumstances. This parenting style consistently produces children who are self-starters, perform well in school and get along with others.

Rather than being at either end of the spectrum, this parenting style is somewhere in the middle. Rather than being a reaction, it is a response to what children really need from us. As we practice being authoritative parents, our ideas about parenting evolve. While children do need a guide to teach them integrity, how to get along with others and how the world works, they also need a loving, trustworthy guide. Parenting is about connection and engagement. When you understand this, you can create a beautiful relationship with your child. I call this fourth and distinctly different parent style, connection-engagement and explore it fully in my book, Keepers of the Children.

Although during times of stress, we may unconsciously resort to the parenting style used by our parents, it is possible to unlearn this programming and raise children in a way that is humane and respectful–a way that resonates with your heartfelt vision for your child.

About the author: Laura Ramirez is the author of the award-winning book, Keepers of the Children: Native American Wisdom and Parenting – http://www.walk-in-peace.com/keepers.html. This unique book combines ancient native ideas (like stewardship) with cutting-edge psychology to show parents how to raise children to develop their natural strengths and grow up to lead purposeful and fulfilling lives. It is a book about connection, caring and engagement.

Laura is also the publisher of Family Matters Parenting Magazine which features insights into the core issues today’s parents face – http://www.parenting-child-development.com

And for those with adolescents and teens in Behavior Modification or Boarding Schools

A Parent Coordinator is an impartial third party available to assist parents in resolving issues relating to parenting and other family issues prior to their child moving on to their next program or school after wilderness, or prior to graduation or returning home from their residential program. The assist with:

This situation is different than when we are Parenting Coordinator’s assigned by the court. In this situation the goal is not to modify any order, judgment or decree of the court. At times parents decide to divorce just prior to, or while their child is attending their residential treatment program or school. One way to help children through this early stage is have the assistance of a Parenting Coordinator to openly discuss what is happening in the family. In some cases, it makes more sense for children to hear about the decision to separate from both parents who have additional support. If this is the case, the Parent Coordinator makes sure that they works with your child’s therapist. They repeatedly tell your child that both parents will always love them and that you will always be a family. The difference will be that when they return there will be two households. This is where a Parenting Plan can assist.

The Parenting Plan addresses any concerns the child may have like the need to maintain a relationship with both parents. It is very important that your children understand their relationship with both parents is forever and that they will never be abandoned. The Parent Coordinator can help explain that a divorce does not end your child’s relationship with either parent. The marriage may end, however, the parent-child relationship will continue Generally, for a child in a youth program or boarding school, short, clear explanations are best. Remember they do not have to understand everything all at once.

Their understanding of your divorce will evolve as they get older and will change with their age. It is also a benefit that we will be able to work with their therapist in their behavior modification program or boarding school which means they will receive additional support. Another important message for kids to hear is that in no way is the divorce their fault, nor are they able to keep you together. When the idea of parents separating is completely new to your child, reinforce to them that you will make every effort to keep things stable for them. At the same time, let them know about upcoming changes. Remember children will ask the same questions repeatedly. This is normal and is their way of gaining a sense of security and reassurance about the future. It is important to keep your answers simple and consistent.

It is very important that both parents reinforce that the separation/divorce is taking place because of differences between the parents. Working with your child’s therapist in their program helps you conduct such conversations without damaging or disparaging remarks about the other parent. Children adjust more easily when parents show a healthy sense of respect and caring for the other parent despite difficult circumstances. Co-parenting responsibilities apply to all parents whether they are married or divorced.

The extent that parents can effectively co-parent their children greatly determines how children will adjust after returning home from their emotional growth program or school. Parents who have a child returning home after graduation or completion of their program will now have to start dealing with more day-to-day issues concerning their child’s welfare. Decisions, like those concerning religion, discipline, finances, morality, recreation, physical health, education and emergencies need to be discussed prior to their coming home. These decisions need to be discussed and made jointly. Remember that married parents often have differing ideas about all or some of these issues. This is to be expected. There is no reason to assume that divorced parents should always agree on them either. What’s important is how you deal with differences, not that they exist. It is better for parents to agree to disagree and practice compromising than to argue and fight endlessly for their own way. This, however, is often easier said than done.

Parents who chose their battles and cooperate when there are differences are more likely to make healthy decisions for their children. In fact, nurturing an overall spirit of cooperation is more important than parents agreeing on any one particular issue. Also, parents who acknowledge and effectively deal with their own difficult feelings usually have an easier time. On the other hand, recurrent arguments between parents make life difficult for children and parents alike. When parents fight for their own agenda and neglect creating a peaceful environment, their children may develop bitter feelings and have difficulties later in life with their own intimate relationships. Remembering to relate maturely and with a healthy sense of respect for the other parent (even in the face of great differences and in some cases bad feelings) is the challenge for every parent. Fostering such an environment teaches children much about love, life, change, and family relationships. Being in a family style program or outdoor school brings about many changes in the lives of both parents and children. One change for children may be in their immediate support network. This might mean a loss of friendships and school ties. Some parents move to a new community before their child returns home. This move might also include changing relationships with extended family members. To minimize stress on your children and ultimately yourself, work to keep your lifestyle close to what it was prior to your child being in their residential program or school.

When possible, keep friends, family, school, and other community support systems stable. When changes are necessary, make sure you give your children ample notice about them and discuss them with your child’s therapist while still in their program. The more comfortable parents are with such changes the more comfortable their children will be. In the days just after your child returns home from their youth program, or wilderness program there is usually an adjustment period that can last for several weeks and oftentimes several months. During this time, people are adjusting to new routines, schedules, and living situations. It may take time for life to seem normal again. Don’t worry, eventually it will. Some kids are open about their feelings and the associated changes they experience. Others will be less vocal.

Make room for whatever your children are experiencing. It is a mistake to believe kids must talk about their feelings. Sample Checklist for a stable home environment after your child returns home from their program:

A well-thought-out and executed parenting plan is an important tool for ensuring the health and well being of your children. A good parenting plan will outline how you will perform co-parenting responsibilities.

It also details how you will handle activities of daily living and caring for your kids. The parenting plan is a living document that must evolve with the needs of your growing children. Therefore, you do not have to include every potential situation you may encounter in the parenting plan. However, it must be revisited regularly to make sure it meets the needs of your family. Children are our most precious resource.

We must protect them from undue hurt and turmoil.

Dore E. Frances, Child Right’s Advocate, Educational Consultant & Parent Coordinator
Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
Email: dore@dorefrances.com
Phone: (541) 312-4422
Fax: (541) 312-4420
Web: http://www.guidingteens.com

Students perform better in school when teachers openly communicate with parents, when parents become actively involved in their children’s education and when a healthy school climate is maintained. Close communications with parents and strong leadership skills from the teacher can significantly improve the school climate, educational experience, and follow the students throughout their lives.

There are a number of ways that teachers can communicate with parents rather than relying on the scheduled parent-teacher conferences or waiting until a bullying or harassment situation occurs. Creating clear boundaries, ground rules and strong respectable relationships will foster positive and committed strategies when problems arise. Teachers and parents must create positive behaviors and clear expectations students can obtain and comprehend. The teacher- parent relationship must set a good example by following the same expectations used for the students and with the same values outlined in the school’s rules. The following guidelines will assist and facilitate positive, clear expectations for all involved while contributing to a safe school climate. These tips for communication and organization are the first steps in the prevention of behavioral issues, school climate control, bullying, harassment, sexual harassment, bias-based harassment, discrimination, age, gender and cultural sensitivities.

Key points to effective teacher to parent communication

o Open the lines of communication: Teachers should welcome meeting their students’ parents early in the school year. Making an effort to do this will help the teacher better understand the student and parent. Understanding the families’ dynamics positively supports the education of the student. Inform parents how you teach and manage your classroom. Clearly and kindly set your classroom boundaries. Be tactful, flexible, clear and honest. Being respectful, honest and direct will help set the atmosphere and expectations of your parents.

o Outline communication expectations: Begin the year with both an open house and welcome letter. Sponsor a school wide open house where everyone can meet and hear from all the departments in the school. Principal, teacher, unified arts teachers, school organizations, bus and lunch programs. Communicate both verbally and also in a hand out that parents can refer to at a later date. Include contact information such as email address, school telephone number, address, website, key personnel, the best time for contacting and who they should contact for specific issues. Discuss and outline appropriate times and desired ways of contact. Inform parents when guest speakers like bully prevention programs are going on, encourage parents to talk to the student about the program at home. Make classroom expected behavior ongoing conversation with students and parents.

o Consistent and organized communication: Supply consistent, scheduled and organized communication such as written, newsletters, teacher’s website or email on a weekly basis. Clearly outline to parents and students the school and classroom expectations. Inform parents what organizations and policies are available and make them accessible. Along with frequent classroom newsletters include: Principal’s newsletter, PTO/PTA newsletters, school websites, email addresses, year at a glance, changes in the schedule, how the grading system works and school homework hotlines/websites. Parents and students need to understand how and where to get their questions answered. Lines of communication must always be practiced so when parents and students have a concern, they do not become frustrated searching for an answer or trying to understand how to communicate with the teacher. Defuse defensive behavior by clearly stating your intentions, rules and process.

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o Initial and ongoing face to face meetings and encounters: Parent-teacher conferences are often scheduled at the time of the first report card in the school year. For parents and teachers, this is a chance to talk one-on-one about the student. The parent-teacher conference is a good opportunity to review the partnership between student, parent and teacher but should not be the first and only face to face encounter especially if there are problems or issues that will take more than the fifteen minutes allotted. Beyond the open house, teachers and staff should be visible, available, and welcoming to parents and students during school visits, drop off and pick up times. For the students; teachers, staff and administration should make themselves visible in hallways, during the changing of classes, recesses, lunch and dismissal. Staff should be identifiable immediately with nametags or employee identification badges.

o Documentation: Beyond grades, keep accurate records of handouts, parent letters and on individual student communication, such as difficult, unusual or disruptive behavior, grades, missing assignments, outstanding behaviors, telephone and written communications with parents. Address your concerns early. Listen to what your parent and students have to say about respective bullying and harassment. Partner with your principal, assistant principal, school counselor, or a respected past teacher for advice or their experience and understanding if problems arise. Let parents know of potential concerns and always balance this with the positive attributes you are observing. Parents should get more positive information than negative about their children.

o School and Student Organizations: Participate and encourage parents to join parent-teacher organizations such as PTO, PTA and the Booster Clubs. Teachers can enhance parent communication by participating in these organizations. As all parents do not get actively involved, not all teachers need to attend. Assigning consistent school representation is vital. In larger schools a teacher representative from each class or department can be responsible for communication between the organizations members and rotate on an annual basis. Attend school sponsored events or host a classroom project designed to get parents involved. Encourage students to be involved in school activities such as Civil Rights groups and Peer leadership groups. Be consistent in attendance and visible.

o Volunteers and Teamwork: Depending upon parent’s availability, interests, and the needs of the school, the opportunities are endless. Some suggestions include: chaperones, fundraising, hall and lunchroom monitoring, tutoring, copying, library aides, classroom speaker on a specific topic of interest, organizing paper to go home, typing, and concession worker at school events. Teachers should take stock of their parents’ skills and interests to volunteer and ask the parent how they can volunteer. Spend time organizing your classroom and find task or projects that parents can do weekly. Build a team with you at the helm. The tasks are endless, teachers can focus on the students and parents feel engaged. Increase adult supervision assist in decreasing bullying and harassment.

o Understanding diversity: Understand and address cultural issues in your community, school and classroom. Acknowledged and respected behavior should be consistently demonstrated to parents and students. Respectfully leave personal opinions out of the school climate. This behavior will positively affect parents and students.

o Media Impact: Encourage and educate parents on media impact. Media need not be violent or disruptive to affect the learning process for students and also their communication skills. Work with parents to encourage decreasing the time spent on video games and television with more time allocated to reading and participation in projects, whether school or community.

Deb Landry is the founder and Executive Director of Crossroads, and Bryson Taylor Publishing, http://www.brysontaylorpublishing.com in Saco Maine, a non profit mentoring organization that empowers youth through the performing arts. She retired six year ago after twenty-two years as a healthcare administrator to dedicate her career this children’s organization.

A mother of four and grandmother of three, Ms. Landry career specialized in operational management with a focus on non profit agencies. Helping others has always been her passion with a focus on social awareness education. As a start in her new career, she served as an Americorp VISTA for the State of Maine, Communities for Children. As an author, she writes interactive children’s mentoring plays on social awareness issues and recently she co-authored, produced and directed the movie Ty.

Ms. Landry has received recognition for her work in community service including the Rotary’s Paul Harris Award and the United Way Starfish Award.